Old Jack Spooks the Devil
Posted by edsouthern on March 9th, 2008 filed in UncategorizedComment now »
This is how it was, you see -
Mahaliel Hide liked to ride his ATV around his property every morning. What he really liked was to go vroom, vroom, vroom, real loud, and the ATV did that for him as well as anything, and since he owned a lot of land he could get a lot of vroom, vroom, vroom out of riding around it all once.
Like I said, he owned a lot of land, and he owned all of the best land in Hide County, all of the bottom land on the Hide County side of the Hide River, and all of the bottom land along the three biggest creeks (the Muddy, the Bloody, and the Fuddy) that drained into the Hide River, and the big forest (called Surewood - just a coincidence, I swear) with the most and the biggest game, and the second-highest hill (called Headsup) with the second-best view in Hide County. But he also owned the single poorest piece of land in Hide County. It was in the smack-dab middle of Surewood Forest, and it was a circle so geometrically perfect that Euclid would have wet himself, and nary a nothing grew inside it. The soil, should you somehow find some on your tongue, tasted kind of like ashes and salt. What you’d really be tasting, though, was brimstone and sulfur.
You see, this is how it was - When Mah Hide’s distant ancestor Malachiliel Hide first came to Hide County, he came a rich man. He came with slaves and servingmen, a herd of swine, a wagon full of sacks of seed, and a cow of which he was most proud. That cow gave the sweetest-tasting milk anyone Mal Hide had yet met had ever tasted, and Mal Hide was most proud of that, not that he had anything to do with it. Long lines of bulls and heifers had come together to produce this sweet-milk-giving cow; Mal Hide just happened to have come into possession. Still, he was proud, of his good fortune, I guess. Not that he had anything to do with that, either.
Anyway, he came with Virginia-made furniture and bolts of fabric, and two things that no man had ever seen before in that part of the world: a title and a deed.
The land that would become Hide County was then full of outlaws and rogues and others of whom polite society had run afoul. I know, I know: Hide County is now full of them sorts, too. Okay, okay: Hide County ain’t really full of anybody or any sort, anytime - population’s been going down for years, and it was never exactly booming in the first place. Damn, y’all, it was just a figure of speech. Can I please continue?
I’ll try again: the populace of Hide County in this colonial period consisted almost entirely of those who would not or could not be expected to honor a title and a deed; they would or could be expected to snatch them from the bearer’s fingers and use them to wipe - if the former bearer was lucky - their noses. But old Mal Hide had a stout and a bold heart. He had a sword and a brace of pistols on his belt. He had a steady hand and an unwavering eye, and an unshakeable confidence in his ability to make a mutually profitable deal with even the vilest blackguard the land had to offer.
So Malachiliel Hide comes riding into what would come to be called Hide County on a fine black stallion and proceeds to ride the length and breadth of the land to which he holds title and deed. He placed his train at the foot of the second-highest hill and showed them where he wanted his house built. He rode along the creeks and the bank of the Hide River. He rode through Surewood Forest, and he happened upon the single poorest piece of land in what would be Hide County. And there he met the first soul he had encountered since he entered what would be Hide County. And that just happened to be Jack.
I shouldn’t say ‘just happened to be,’ because that says that Jack’s being in the midst of that salt-and-ashes circle was purely coincidence, and it wasn’t. Old Mal Hide would not have met any other future Hide Countian in the midst of that circle. Only Jack would have been there, and could have been there, and I’m about to tell you why.
Mal Hide said, Good Morrow, sirrah, or whatever it was olden-times people said when they wanted to say good morning.
Jack said back, Good Morning, except he said it in an old-timey way, too, of course.
Mal Hide tells him, I am the owner of this land. I have title and deed, and now I come in body to lay claim and to settle. I will not have you prosecuted for trespass. In fact, I will let you stay on this land and work as my tenant.
Jack said, No, that’s alright. I can move along now, once you pay me my wages for the labor I performed you last night.
Mal Hide could see that Jack looked hollow-eyed and short of breath, that’s Jack’s hair was slicked down with sweat, and Jack’s cheeks were flushed a deep red. He had put that to carousing rather than labor, though. He asked Jack what labor he had performed, and how it was of benefit to him, who had only arrived that morning.
Jack said, I cleared the Devil off this piece of land.
Mal Hide smiled the kind of smile you smile to idiots and crazy people, a smile that shows relief and nervousness all at once.
Jack said, I didn’t even mean to. Had I set out to contend with the Devil I’d have been guilty of the sin of Pride, and that’s one sin I ain’t guilty of. I just come along by accident and the Devil took to contending with me.
Oh, Lord, forgive me, Jack said. To say the Devil took to contending with me makes me sound all puffed-up and important, because to con-tend means to struggle with an opponent who is more or less your equal, and for me to hold myself equal in power to the Devil would make me guilty of the sin of Pride, and . . .
And that’s one you ain’t guilty of, Mal Hide said. I got that part. It’s the particulars, the plotline, so to speak, that I lack.
Jack said, Right you are. I was walking to my sleeping place last night and I must’ve got lost in the forest. For next thing I see is Old Scratch himself, tramping round and round this circle, his hooves burning the ground with each step. I turned to run but the Devil he says, Come back here, and I was so scared that I did. He said he needed to ask me something. He said all he needed was information, and that I had nothing to fear, since he was too vexed tonight to tempt my soul away.
I was wary, and knew better than to credit what he said, but I told him to ask his question and I’d answer him as best I could.
He fixed me with his awful eyes and he says, What the hell is it with you people around here?
I said, Pardon me?
He said, Boy, are you asking the wrong guy for that one. I’ll ask you again, What the hell is it with you people around here?
I said, Sir, I don’t know that I know what you mean.
He said, This here’s been my favorite pondering spot for I don’t know how long. Good views, nice breezes, and a real cool, kind of off-kilter feel to it. Kind of a Jonestown vibe, know what I mean? No, wait, you don’t know what I mean - hasn’t happened yet. Being eternal can be such a bitch sometimes when it comes to conversations. Anyway, I like it here.
Then you people started moving in and the place started going downhill fast. I mean, the Indians had sense enough to stay the hell away from here, but you white people will throw up your little cabins anywhere. I’ll just come out and say it, you people spook me. What the hell is up with that?
I said, Well, people need land, I guess, but he shushed me and said, Oh, Jesus, don’t you go telling me what people need, or what they want, neither. I know more about that than just about anybody. That’s like telling a snake how to bite. Come to think of it, that is telling a snake how to bite. Heh.
I know that people need land. You got any idea what the soul-to-land exchange rate on this continent is right now? I’m cleaning up. I’m raking y’all in hand over fist. You wouldn’t believe what kind of nonsense you people will do for land. Sometimes, even I can’t believe what they’ll do. And buddy, when someone makes me say, Whoa, man, that’s some twisted-ass shit right there, then you have hit the degeneracy jackpot.
I shrugged and said, Well, I guess that’s your answer, then.
The Devil said, No, no, no, that’s the problem. You people around here, you’d think you’d be easy to tempt. Nothing but a bunch of misfits and losers who can’t seem to hack it in civilization. Always got a jug of moonshine and a pipe in your hands. But it’s like you people have some kind of force-field around you, you know? Wait, shit, you don’t know what a force-field is, do you? Fucking eternality.
Put it this way - it’s like you’re too damn stupid for me to tempt. I ran into a couple of jokers last week who asked me if I wanted to drink and play cards with them. Who the hell invites the Devil to play cards with them? Some of you are downright depraved, and all of you sin like hell, but you don’t sin to try to get anything. You’re not breaking God’s laws to try to get something you’re not supposed to have; and buddy, that’s my whole damn livelihood right there.
Let’s take you, he said. What’s your name?
I said I’d just as soon not tell him.
He said, Goddammit, Jack, I already know your name - in case you hadn’t heard, I get around quite a bit. I was just giving you a chance to be polite, but I guess that’s wasted on a simpleton like you. Anyway, tell me what you want.
I said I’d really like to be going on to my sleeping place right now.
He said, Yeah, yeah, that much is obvious. But what do you really want? Wait a minute - you said your sleeping place? Ain’t you got no house to go to?
I said no.
He said, Nor a bed to lay down on?
I said no.
He said, You want a big house with a fine feather bed?
I pondered on it and said, No, I like my sleeping place.
He said, Do what? Damn. Well, what do you want then? What does your heart desire? Tell me and it’ll be yours.
I pondered on it and I told him, honestly, that I couldn’t think of anything.
He said, What do you mean you can’t think of anything? You want riches?
I said I wouldn’t have a place to put it.
He said I could buy a place to put it.
I said, But then I’d not have as many riches.
He said he’d throw in a place to put my riches.
I said, But then I’d have all the trouble of keeping that place tidy and presentable.
He said he’d throw in a servant to keep the place tidy.
I said, But then I’d have to pay the servant and I’d not have as many riches.
He said, But you’d have plenty more riches?
I said, Yeah, but from what I hear, once you get riches all you want is more riches, and if you got to give some of your riches to pay a servant then you got to go to the trouble of making more riches to get back what you’ve lost, and that’s too much trouble for me.
He said, Alright, then, how about a woman? You want the most beautiful woman in the world?
I said, There is a real pretty girl that lives across Muddy Creek.
He said, I’ll get her for you.
I said, No, don’t do that. I’ve no place fit for a pretty girl to live.
He said, I’ll throw in a place where you both could live.
I said, No, don’t do that. I wouldn’t feel right if you got her for me, instead of me getting her myself. I couldn’t look her in the eye, and what’s the point of a pretty girl if you can’t look her in the eye? How would I know she’d really love me, and not run off with some handsome stranger?
He said, You want all the food you could ever eat?
I said, I got all the food I could ever eat. I’m kind of puny, if you hadn’t noticed.
He said, You’d get stout if you had more food.
I said, Then I’d just need more food.
He said, But you’d have all the food you could eat - that’s the point.
I said, Yeah, but all the food I can eat now isn’t all that much, and all the food I could eat then would be a far sight more, plus it’d be more of a strain for me to go get it. So no thank you.
He said, You want to be the king?
I said, No, hats make my head itch, so I reckon a crown would burn like fire.
He said, You want the sun to always shine on you?
I said, No, I’d get sunburnt.
He said - well, he said a whole bunch of words I’d just as soon not repeat. After he simmered down a bit he looked at me sideways and said, You want me to leave you alone?
I said, Well, to be honest, you ain’t bothering me near as much as I expected you would. No offense.
He let out a holler then. He stomped his hooves and took to slamming his pitchfork against the ground, saying “Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn” every time it struck the soil.
I said, No offense.
He settled down, and caught his breath, and said, No, that’s alright. I know you didn’t mean nothing by it, Jack. It’s just that I’m going to have to leave this place, and this has been my favorite pondering spot as long as I can remember. But I can’t stay here no more. You people - you people just give me the creeps.
And then he up and vanished.
That was what Old Jack told Mal Hide the first time they met, when Mal Hide had just come to what would be Hide County, come to settle and lay claim. That was the story that old Mah Hide didn’t know when he set out one morning to ride his property and go “vroom vroom vroom” on his ATV. He knew, like everyone did in Hide County, the story that the Devil had had his tramping ground here first, before he went to that place near Siler City, but like everyone else in Hide County, Mah Hide didn’t know the particulars.
Saint Jack didn’t know the particulars, either, as he was one of the everyone else. He didn’t even know Hide County had once had another Jack who lived in the fields. That didn’t trouble Jack, though, nor did it trouble him when Mah Hide came riding up on his ATV and woke Saint Jack from a deep sleep. Mah Hide rode up to the single poorest piece of land in the county and woke up Saint Jack, who had been sleeping in the midst of it. In his sleep Jack had rolled onto his belly, and woke with a taste like salt and ashes in his mouth.
Morning, Jack, Mah said.
Morning, Jack said back.
Mah Hide asked him, What you doing sleeping there, of all places?
Jack said, I was here when I give out and couldn’t keep going no more.
Mah Hide asked him what he had been doing to wear himself out, and doing right there, of all places.
Saint Jack sighed real loud, real heavy, and said, All I was doing was talking, really, and trying to answer questions as best as I could.
Who was asking you questions, Mah Hide asked.
Saint Jack sighed again and said, The Devil. He’s done come back.